Many of my clients that I work with end up learning that my personal journey involved me getting divorced. We had been together for little over 10 years when we decided to pull the plug with my then husband.
The story of our marriage is not the point of this post, but who knows. It might become a part of my blog in the future.
I was embarking on my psychotherapy journey as a divorcee already. At first I didn't think much of it. The prevalence of divorces is so high in our modern society that it left no impact on me at first.
As I started learning more about intimacy and deepening my education on couple's therapy, I stumbled up my first intimacy coach who talked openly about being married to the same woman for over 40 years. It might be no surprise that the focus of his teachings was based around learning how to accept in a loving way that our sex life will never be the same (read that it will always be worse) as we age together. My second intimacy coach on the other hand was preaching all about not giving up on wild freeing sex, no matter the age, and coincidently seemed to have a string of short intimate relationships up their sleeve.
Hm. Since one of the focuses of our studies is to become more observant and have the ability to self reflect, I immediately spotted that this difference leave me with a lot of answered questions.
But the first time real self doubt started creeping in, was when I was introduced to the book of Getting the love you want by Harville Hendrix. He introduces this book by starting to say that as a couple's therapist he felt like a failure as he was leaving the court, divorcing from his first wife. He was questioning his skills to help clients navigate long term relationships when he didn't have the capability to hold on to his.
There it was. The start of a long imposter syndrom for me as a couple's therapist. As I was re-entering the world of dating after my marriage ended, I was hunted by the thoughts that now I am a couple's therapist and my next relationship should be the real deal. The one that lasts. Forever and ever, amen.
Or should it? My mom, who had been married all her life to my late dad, had different words of encouragement for me to my surprise. Instead of telling me that I should now focus on finding the one, she said something along the lines of:
"Why don't you enjoy just the first few wonderful months to few years of the fresh love, when everything is bright and easy going, and skip the hard ships of a longterm commitment? You already have kids, so just enjoy life and take it easy!" She said it with such an ease and bright smile that I didn't question whether she really means it (and yes, she loved my dad dearly till his very last breath).
The first seed of regaining my confidence was planted. I felt I could be whomever I want to be, a couple's therapist and enjoy life on my own terms. After all, I do not have to be a porn addict to help people with porn addiction in my practice. By the same token, I don't have to live in a long term relationship to help people who struggle in long term relationships.
After my divorce, I started falling in love and out of love. I experienced two relationships that lasted two years and every time we were breaking up, I felt the pressure to stay in, because as a couple's therapist I should make it work, right? Sometimes I bended further than I would normally, because I couldn't stand the thought of yet another break up. I began to realise that regardless of my mom's advice, I was still craving for a long term relationship for myself. With all the perks and challenges that come with it.
It was the depth of the connection and growth I knew too well one can get. It's not far from the truth that our most intimate partners happen to be our biggest life teachers. I crave the learnings one can get from a truly loving and long lasting intimate connection.
This whole phase was connected with many hours in supervision. More pleads with my ex-partners with who I sought a confirmation that I am not a horrible person to live with. And overwhelmingly received. This phase was connected with many tears and then convincing myself that it was all ok - fake it till you make it as my own mantra of trying to convince myself.
But as I accompanied more and more couples along their journey, I started to see what my supervisors meant when they said that it will be my rich life experience that will transform into a treasure in my work, if I don't let it burden me. Ultimately, my experience with a long term marriage, crisis, divorce, navigating a relationship with my ex-husband after our divorce and my new long term relationship could not have left me better equipped for all the things couples consider when navigating their relationship.
I am not petrified of a a divorce, although I know it can be a really scary and a dark phase of one's life. And my own experience only allows me to handle couples' crisis with that much more care with that in hindsight.
I am now in a long term loving relationship and the sense of gratitude is immense. I know this happened at the right time of our lives that we met. And when we go through a crisis, that thought that I'm not a good enough couple's therapist in case we break up, still creeps in.
But this time I welcome it, observe it, and let it go. Because I know that I am better than that. I also know that because of whom I am on paper, I will not be the chosen therapist for many. And I also know that it is because of these papers I will be the first choice for many others.
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